First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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