Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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