Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
