Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
