Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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