Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Found your dick twin last night
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
