his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
