I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
