Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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