I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude i'm inner monologue high
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
