just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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