you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
