I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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