just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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