you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
