you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
