This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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