He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
