How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
