Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
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Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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