How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
