Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
