two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
