I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
