woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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