I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
