rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
