That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I had to cum in my sink.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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