last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
