I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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