John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
