I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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