What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
