Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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