His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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