so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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