On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
