and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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