what day is it and did you see me today?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
