that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
