only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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