Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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