the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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