3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
