Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
