You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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