if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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