it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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