I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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