Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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