were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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