I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
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You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
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I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin