Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve