non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
it's like heaven, but drunker
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
