booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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