everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
