Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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