I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
